My birthday lesson on dealing with self-doubt
December 20th, 2010 by Lydia
It was my birthday last week, and to celebrate, I made a badge for my internal self doubt. That’s right, you heard correctly.
I put a lot of pressure on myself to succeed, like RIGHT NOW. I crack the pressure whip on myself like there’s no tomorrow. Sometimes to the point where the stress robs me of good sleep or I wake up feeling anxious and saying Hail Mary’s. That’s the scary part because I ditched being Catholic way long ago.
As if the suffocating pressure from my parents to succeed way back in the day wasn’t enough, I’ve internalized it and pummel myself with it just fine. Who needs hardass Asian parents anymore?
There’s this project I’ve been scheming and outlining for a while, and when it came to hunker down to get some work done – PRESSURE! – I got stuck, and all of a sudden cleaning seemed more appealing. There didn’t seem to be any way to get around the roadblock, so decided to find out what this particular roadblock wanted.
One of my favorite bloggers, Havi, converses with her monsters that get her stuck. I thought I’d give it a shot. My friend Aimee immediately came to mind to negotiate .
Conversing with the Doubt Monster
Doubt Monster: I don’t think you know what you’re doing. You’re obviously stuck. Who are you to try to tackle such a big thing? No one will listen to you. No one reads your blog even.
Aimee: That’s not true. She’s got people reading her blog. Who says no one will listen anyway?
Doubt Monster: We do. No one cares about what she does. We make her feel alone, like no one cares.
Aimee: She needs all the support she can get. Do you know how innovative her work is and what she’s doing? She’s a pioneer. Do you know how hard that is already?
What is your fear here?
Doubt Monster: We don’t want her to look stupid. Like she doesn’t know what she’s doing. Like she doesn’t have the answers.
Aimee: We’ll other professionals don’t have the answers either, not the same ones at least, or else they would have done the same project already. What would it take for you to give her a chance?
Doubt Monster: We’re not sure her experience is enough. Especially when real skilled people will be watching.
Aimee: I understand. You want her to look good, to look like a professional.
Doubt Monster: Yes.
Aimee: What if you could trust Lydia’s own expertise? She knows a lot you know. You have her so scared that she doesn’t think she has anything to offer.
Doubt Monster: What will all the old people say? All the API center directors, all the Filipino Community Center Directors? They only want credentials.
Aimee: It sounds like it’s not an issue of what Lydia knows or doesn’t know. It sounds like you’re really concerned with how people will accept what she has to offer and her credibility.
Doubt Monster: Yes. Who is she anyway to do this project that will help these young Asian Americans who really need it. We don’t want her to go through all that.
Aimee: What if we made her a super shiny credential that no one could question? Like an ironclad so-and-so hooty-who expert badge that she could shine in the face of all those who question her?
Doubt Monster: Could it be so shiny and hooty-who that she could rob a bank with it? We’d really like to go on vacation, actually.
Aimee: Why don’t we make a badge for you guys too. You can rob all the banks you want with it and go on vacation.
Doubt Monster: Ok.
On not being a shiny overachiever
I’m not a typical Asian overachiever. Not the typical kind who gets shiny status at least. I’m not the professional whatever with my own home and respectable job title and I don’t follow the rules of shiny overachieverness, especially in the uber-degree holding league.
Don’t get me wrong, though, because I put the pressure on myself is if I was playing the same game. And in the end, there is the part of me that wants a nod from the people who uphold Asiatic shiny overachiever land, a part of me who wants acknowledgment for being innovative and thinking outside of the box. A nod for being legitimate even though I’m not as shiny.
So this badge is for you, my lovely Doubt Monster. I have it at the ready to flash whenever you feel scared that I’m not shiny enough. I also want you to know that my game is in a completely different ballpark, where shiny points aren’t currency.